Christmas 1996

41 Albion St
Stratton,
Cirencester,
Gloucs.
GL7 2HT.
U. K.
13. 12..96.

Hi! folks,

Merry Christmas, Joyeux Noel oder Fröhliche Weihnachten to you all! Right! having disposed of the culture: the return, by popular demand (careful Joy, this is going to your head! ), of the Irving family Christmas letter!

Well, this has been a quiet year: we haven’t had squads of workers and craftsmen knocking holes in walls, drilling holes, chipping plaster off walls, or causing housequakes (house breathes sigh of relief! ); but we do have our very own resident driller of holes and planer of wood - Bob! He is now in the middle of erecting a door frame where the stairs rise from the kitchen. Zis is all part of ze master plan (there will be no deviation or we will exterminate! Exterminate!! EXTERMINATE!!! - maniacal laughter - cackle! cackle! - calm down Joy! control yourself! ) for the kitchen.

We are trying to restore the cottage to its original condition as far as possible, but unfortunately, the ground floor rooms suffered badly under the previous set of philistines who lived here. The stairs are open plan at the moment but in years gone by they would have been boxed in by means of wooden planks and a cottage door which divided the stairs from the kitchen. Cupboards would have been built under the stairs, also by means of planks, and so one wall of the kitchen would have been wooden planking - quite pleasing really. However, the overriding reason for doing this, quite apart from the aesthetic, is that it will drastically reduce the number of large chunks of freezing cold air coming down in winter! What goes up warm most definitely comes down cold!!

Our summer holiday was spent indoors (well, we never wanted a tan anyway!) tackling the DIY in the sitting room - only two and a half years since we moved in!! We finally decided that we would rise above our usual pig-like state (you understand this was a momentous effort! ) and cover the walls with something other than pink plaster and white Polyfilla. I spent the first week (ONE WHOLE WEEK!!! ) scrubbing old wallpaper paste from the walls because the previous occupants had not sealed the plaster (aaarrggghh! never again! scream! scream! ).

Over the next two to three weeks a new much-improved, even beautiful, room, arose phoenix-like from the mire and murk that was the old. The walls are now a bright warm yellow sponged over with terracotta glaze, and the windows, door and archway now have pale yellow false architraves painted around them. We even have a carpet laid (damn! no more spitting on the floor! ). Oh! the hours of agonizing, trying to decide which combination of colours from the vast array of little tubes of paint would give us the exact colour of orange we were looking for. Even more boggling was the mixing of the chosen colours in with the glaze, which tends to whiten everything. Phrases such as ‘Oh, (expletive), I’ve mixed in too much black!’, or ‘It’s taken the whole tube of yellow ochre!’, or ‘I’m sure we’ve bought the wrong shade of red, and the shop’s just closed for the bank holiday!’ , spring to mind. After much use of masking tape, drawing of neat lines on walls, excruciatingly time-consuming painting of thin lines and delicate sponging on of glaze (that was the fun bit! ), we collapsed in a heap and realized that our holiday(!) was over. Ho! hum! they do say that a change is as good as a rest, but I think the rest would have been quite nice!

Of course, in the march of progress, there have to be casualties..... In this case, it’s biodiversity! Those invertebrates - woodlice and many others too fearful to name - that held nightly orgies across the old, tatty carpet, are now firmly trapped behind the new skirting board and the awesome palisade of ‘grippa-rod’ which holds the sterile monoculture of carpet . Only the dust-mites survive!!!!!! Now, every night , we see these pathetic bands of homeless woodlice roaming the wall outside around the front door, waiting for a lapse in our vigilance so that they can rush (!) back in. Brother, it’s COLD outside!!! Actually, I kind of miss the drunken trails weaving their way across the........er?...... ceiling??? (strange strangulated cry and rolling eyeballs plus ‘YOU MEAN YOU DON’T APPRECIATE MY BEAUTIFUL SKIRTING?????!!!’ coming from the other side of the room!!!...............oops! ).

As far as the children go, this is probably the year of reckoning (ye shall reap what ye have sown and all that ) especially as far as Rupert is concerned! The school had Morrisby tests conducted on all the children in his year which aims to give a psychological assessment for careers guidance. One of the most memorable phrases goes something like, ‘you tend to lose sight of the overall objective’. How true! He puts off ‘till tomorrow what should have been done yesterday, with the result that all his project work is rushed and badly researched. All his teachers say that he’ll be lucky to scrape a ‘C’ grade at the current rate of progress. This is beginning to worry Rupe but not sufficiently to make him change his ways without much cajoling on our part. I suspect that it’s all part of the teenage rebellion thing: that and the smoking. Having said that he’ll probably sail his way through life, or else become a total drop-out! On a good note Rupe did manage to get an ‘A’ grade for German last summer - will this be equalled ever again?! Watch this space! Rupe seems to spend most of his time rehearsing for gigs with his band - they get the exposure but rarely get paid! He even had to cut down on the girlfriend to fit the gigs in - such sacrifice! Surprisingly, he is still a choirboy, and is even getting free singing lessons to get him used to singing alto now that soprano eludes him. I suspect this will cease when he stops getting paid to do it.

Under the heading of German, of course, comes THE EXCHANGE TRIP! In the spring, we entrusted our large treasure(?) into the care of some un-suspecting German folk, as if our relations within the European Union weren’t strained enough....! Whereupon, he brought to bear the full force of his usual charm offensive that he uses on all who may be able to provide a good square meal (and aren’t his parents!) and came back enthusing about how marvellous everything was, how laidback the mother was, how large the flat was... even the little brother was OK! ..... mind you, his most treasured souvenir was a cigarette lighter?!! He could actually walk into a shop and buy it at the tender age of 15. Oh, and Rupe’s understanding of German did pick up a bit!!!! In return, of course, we have had his exchange partner, Martin, to stay in October. This was not as fearsome as expected, since his English was brilliant compared with our German and they seemed to be out most nights partying when they weren’t on school trips. And Martin was so clean, tidy and polite compared with the usual crop of teenagers that tramp through here that we nearly kept him and sent Rupe back!!!

And as for our other little treasure... Tamsin has given up on boyfriends at the moment - she says that there is no point since the new headteacher has banned discos at her school. We, and others, do not see eye to eye with this headteacher. He is stepping on quite a few toes, and banning discos on moral grounds is one of the many ill-conceived ideas he is steamrollering through, regardless. Tamsin does her Common Entrance exams this year. Her teachers all think well of her, and she should do reasonably well providing she fits in a bit of revision between her sports and musical activities. She seems to have decided this term that she is going to be good at hockey - she wanted to be goalie for the ‘A’ team at Edgarley and she’s achieved it - you have to admire her determination! Her team has not let in a single goal so far this season against other schools! Tamsin is now first trumpet in the school orchestra, brass quartet, swing band and wind band - I don’t know where she finds the time, she makes me feel tired just thinking about it......zzzzzzzzzzzzz!! (Careful Joy, you’re showing your age! ). Her trumpet teacher has persuaded her to go in for a music scholarship to Millfield Senior School, which is slightly terrifying as it means another 5 years of trudging to and fro to the Glastonbury area. Even if it isn’t quite so financially crippling, there ain’t no contribution to wear and tear on the car. She also has to commit herself to being musically enthusiastic for the whole time or else her fees MAY BE REVIEWED and we all know what THAT means!!! So that she has other musical skills to offer, she is now hurriedly trying to become Grade 3 or 4 standard in percussion in what seems to be a little less than half a term. It transpires that they have lots of good drumkit people at Millfield already (all aspiring rock band members, no doubt), which is what Tamsin has been learning for a year now, but general percussionists are somewhat thin on the ground, hence the sneaky ploy! I hope our next door neighbours appreciate the sound of those two African drums being used as tympanies (you may have noticed - Tamsin likes playing instruments that are LOUD!!! - no subtlety here!!! ). Pity we don’t own a xylophone - it being the quietest instrument she plays! (Eat your heart out, Evelyn Glennie! ). It might have been quieter if she’d taken to the idea of the art scholarship (gentle tap of sculptor’s hammer?? - chip! chip! chip! tinkle! CRASH!!! oops! ).

I, Bob, have had an uneven year, at work, at least. We had two successive sets of consultants looking at Blackwell’s, at increasingly more elevated levels, so things sort of trod water while we awaited the results of their cogitations. The upshot of this is that a lot of the new work we thought we were going to do is more likely to be done in the States, which is rather frustrating, as it promised that Holy Grail - training in software that would make me more marketable in the great wide (better - paid) world. Moreover there is a firm in Cirencester that uses it! At the moment , the Year 2000 seems like a better bet..............Meanwhile, I’ve made a bird bath at pottery evening classes (over 2 terms, it took) and at least 200 rather small tiles for the kitchen. Friends of the Earth campaigning has largely been about trying to wean you lot out there away from your smelly, polluting cars, by getting a Road Traffic Reduction Bill passed, thereby forcing the government of the day (either Blajor or Mair) to DO SOMETHING about the ever-increasing number of the wretched fug-boxes, rather than than just mouthing pious sayings. Some hope, you say! Collecting signatures from members of the public who seem to think that it is A JOLLY GOOD IDEA to drown in their own filth is ...err... character-forming.

Joy has had a peaceful time in the museum, ministering to the modest needs of the fossils and minerals. Some have been subjected to the stronger medicine of choking in ammonia to prevent them being destroyed by the dreaded pyrite decay.......not to mention me! - Joy. You should see me in my new ‘safety gear’. This consists of a face mask with ammonia filters and gas-proof goggles...............And Snoopy spots the Red Baron at two o’ clock....rat a tat tat.......curses! the Red Baron escapes again................! (Cease fantasizing Joy and finish this letter! ). Ah, well, it gives the folks at work endless moments of amusement!?!?!..................Oh! before I go - I forgot the ‘DAY OF ACTION’ that I took part in on November 19th. Yes! for the first time in my life I went on strike! SHOCK! HORROR! This was an historic day since all eight unions involved in higher education actually got it together to act in unison (no pun intended ) to put pressure to bear on the Universities to listen to our grievances. It was exhilarating, first on the picket line (it would have to be blowing a blizzard and freezing cold - it sure brings new meaning to making sacrifices! ), and then the march to the town hall with VAST QUANTITIES of students supporting us! The most amazing sight was seeing academics in their gowns marching side by side with the lowliest paid cleaner. We in higher education have been paid too little for too long and sometimes you just have to put your foot down and say ‘enough is enough’. The signs are looking good - the Universities know it is never easy for low-paid workers to strike - they know we are serious now. We were offered a derisory 1.5%, as we are every year, though inflation is running at over 3%. In effect, a pay cut. And the M.P.’s awarded themselves 26% : after all, it is the government that is squeezing higher education and thus ultimately our pay. Don’t they realize that it is THEIR children’s future that is at risk if higher education falls apart?..............when did you ever hear of a far-sighted politician?

Enough moaning - must get this letter finished! Sorry it won’t reach you ‘till the New Year............but wasn’t it worth it????!!!!!! Lots of love to you all.


Bob, Joy, Rupert & Tamsin.
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