Christmas 1997

41. Albion Street,
Stratton,
Cirencester,
Gloucs.
GL7 2HT.

14.12.97.

Hello, World!

We wish you a Merry Christmas! We wish you a Merry Christmas! WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAP......hic !...(Er!.....I think perhaps that sherry was really destined for the Christmas cake.....oops!). It’s less than a fortnight to Christmas, I can’t cope! (great wailing and gnashing of teeth!). And we must rise above the mire that is our kitchen table, clogged six feet deep (or is it two metres these days?) with Christmas cards, and string a few brain cells together (I don’t think somehow they will hold up the cards) to write the IRVING FAMILY CHRISTMAS LETTER! Wow! I knew you’d be pleased!!!! There is not the slightest chance that this letter will reach the far corners of the globe in time for the Great Day, so it must be time to crank up the word-processor and produce our ‘just-after-Christmas’ letter! The theme this year is ‘change’ or ‘even more change’!!

Biodiversity has taken a change for the worse, or...... is it better?......either way, there is certainly a change! The slug/woodlouse orgies that took place at about 3 a.m. in the sitting room have now been transferred to the kitchen, and there appear to be fewer of them.........otherwise we might have been forced to wall them in.....cackle! cackle!.....(no! for the love of God, Montresor!) and clamp yet another piece of skirting board in position. Another interesting?!!? development now that we have replaced the door between the kitchen and the stairs (theoretically to prevent draughts, but which in reality only works if the hordes of teenagers go along with this cunning master plan) is the appearance of large colonies of Aspergillus niger - the common black fungus that just loves bathroom walls..........Er! well! normally! The fungus is at this very moment tramping up the stairs.........soon it will be (gulp!) outside the study door!!!! Aaaaggghh! The truth is out there, Scully!

Bob, with minor help from yours truly, has now finally finished the second cupboard under the stairs, and with the help of some amazingly gigantic woodworm, both cupboards now have superbly stylish dual-purpose designer holes for air circulation/decorative effects (Mr. Pugin would be pleased). Take that! Aspergillus niger!.......back! back! I say!........That’s right, chaps, we’ve got him (them?) on the run! Devilishly clever, what?!

Earlier in the year, i.e., our summer hols., we finally glued Bob’s handmade hexagonal tiles, that he made at pottery class, on to the wall. To say that this is a vast improvement would be an understatement!!! Unfortunately, due to an underestimate in the number of green tiles made, we couldn’t finish the wall at the back of the Rayburn, and Bob has now been sent back into the fiery furnaces of Hell.......er! well! the pottery kiln......to complete the task.....or he vill be shot! (a little bit). Since the wall now looks like a honeycomb, a pottery bee or two might be interesting, n’est ce pas? Bob likes being creative................OH! YES YOU DO!!

Major changes seem to have taken place in our lives this year.......well, all except me, but who knows what the new year will bring.

Rupert took his GCSE’s last summer, and, shock! strangled cry! faint! he actually managed to obtain 10 grades A - C. Apparently one doesn’t fail anything these days - it being bad for the soul - but we don’t like to talk about the grade D he got for Eng. Lit. (he never reads anything anyway!). He spends most of his time and money on anything to do with the band he is in - known as “Practical Fantasy”. Just how many bass guitars does one person need?? They actually do gigs for real money occasionally, since they’re quite good (not just biassed parent talking here!). The supermarket job he has on Saturdays keeps him short of money - £2-25 per hour is exploitation - no wonder the place is run by school & college kids.......! So keen is Rupert on anything to do with music, he STILL drags himself out of bed early for his choirboy act at the church on Sunday mornings, even when he has been out ‘till 5 a.m. doing things I ought not to ask about!!!! He has a new girlfriend this year called Georgie, but he still seems to spend hours on the ‘phone talking to his ex - huh! teenagers! Strangely, Rupert seems to be interested in his college work, even getting up in the morning to get work in for deadlines...............does this mean?.......oh! yes it does!........... Rupert might even pass his A levels!

Tamsin has found herself out in the cold, hard world of state education after her 3 years of being pampered at boarding school. Or, depending on one’s point of view.........FREE! FREE AT LAST!!! Cackle! Cackle!......Despite a love-hate relationship with her expensive prison and its inmates, she did make the best of the last half-year, playing her trumpet in every band she could, and percussion and drums in the rest. There was goal-keeping at hockey......tiny Tamsin peeping out from under a vast heap of body-armour.........it’s a dog eat dog world out there! Goalkeepers are expected to dive for the ball these days! Millfield Prep. School (or whatever it calls itself these days) were representing Somerset in the West of England championships and narrowly missed going to the Nationals..........those Cheltenham Ladies College girls were enormous!! What do they feed them on! Tamsin was so upset. But she did get to go on a hockey tour of Holland to make up for it! Despite not having to try in the Common Entrance exams she did pretty well, only one point away from Honours - she was kicking herself for not having done any revision! Now she is determined not to get fat by doing lots of sport after school - trampolining in Swindon on Tuesdays and the local hockey club on Saturdays. Picture poor old Bob crawling out from under the duvet on a cold dark morning to become a taxi service - hmmm! sounds like work morning to me! Oh! how ill used are us parents! - that is if your name is Bob!........vigorous signs of affirmation from the other side of the room!

Speaking of Bob, jobs have come & gone this year. I put it down to mid-life ennui myself........and why not.......everyone’s entitled to get bored.....even middle aged persons! There he was, working at Blackwell’s in the bored middle-aged way that one does, when it transpires that he and fellow workers were destined to be made redundant, but not straight away.............! Please! oh! please work until the end of the project!............no, we don’t know EXACTLY when this will be............and no, there won’t be any extra redundancy money if the project drags on for longer than the proposed 18 months. Uncertainty reigns.........and even more boredom when it is realised that one’s life will be unchanging for what seems an eternity. So, at the end of June, little Bob treks forth into the big wide world (well, W.H.Smith in Swindon, anyway!), and ends up doing a job that promised to be interesting but never quite made it. Meanwhile, ironically, he was still supporting the Blackwell’s project out of hours because no-one else could do it!!!! So, Sheila, his ex boss asked, rather facetiously, if he would like to become a contractor at Blackwell’s. Bob naturally agreed.........if one is going to be paid almost twice as much for doing the same boring job......why not! Take the money and run, find yourself a place in the sun.......stop singing, Joy, and get on with it!

Naturally, I feel quite happy that for the first time I have money!........Gold! Gold! GOLD!!!.......cackle!.....cackle!.......Are you SURE he’s the right person for the job, Moriarty? I confess, I have spent more money than I have been used to.............tut!.....tut!.......sharp intake of breath!........but isn’t it a wonderful feeling? Enough of this! Calm yourself down, Joy, and stop daydreaming, you’ve a letter to finish! Actually, life at the museum reached the end of an era this year. Certain key members of staff retired who had been there 40 years (very unusual these days), and the museum is to get a Director for the first time. So the museum is going through a period of uncertainty - suddenly we seem to be thrust into the cold hard world of value for money in a way that was never quite so obvious before. Shall I still be working there this time next year? Shall I even want to be? Shall I become an automaton?.......Bleep!...Bleep! These and other answers on a postcard, please!!!

I fear that this letter has reached its conclusion. Suddenly, I detect a certain sigh of relief from you lot out there.....oh! do stop rambling, Joy! It only remains for us to wish you all Fröhliche Weihnachten & gutes neues Jahr!

Lots of love

Joy, Bob, Rupert & Tamsin.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

P.S. For those of you who wish to know the references in the text.......

[1] Edgar Allan Poe.

[2] The X-files.

[3] Gothic Revival architect - Pugin liked things to be functional as well as beautiful.
[4] The Goon Show.